Unfiltered Insanity

Posted By Lisa on January 21, 2010

If you follow me on Twitter or Facebook, then you know my mom’s cancer is back.  With a vengeance.  I spend most of my time at the hospital (well, now the hospice) and it’s both soothing and stressful to be there.  I like being there because I am waiting for those few minutes of lucidity that my mom has.  Moments where she is awake.  Moments where she understands the gravity of what is going on and we can share precious contempt for this bitch of a disease.

The stress comes when she is awake and doesn’t know what’s going on.  When I have to tell her over and over that she’s dying.  When she wants to go home so badly, but we’re unable to care for her there.  When she asks me over and over to contact people that she loves.

There are parts of me, selfish parts, that just wishes we never knew that this was coming.  Parts of me that wishes I didn’t have to deal with all this shit.  (and it is SHIT) I wish I could just arrive at the hospice and she’ll have peacefully slept and not wake up.  That seems so horrible to say, but I want this to be over, and I want it to be painless for her.  Don’t get me wrong, I’d trade my right arm to have years more with her, but not like this. 

I just want to thank everyone who is praying.  Your support is such a source of strength for me.  You always hear how important a support system is, but until you need one, you have no idea how truly important it is.

What I think I need to express more than anything is that we need the distractions as much as the sympathy.  I need to know that in this grief I can still be treated as I was before all this.  I still laugh at all the inappropriate jokes.  I still enjoy reading and movies and TV and gossiping about all those things (books, movies, and TV).  So, keep that in mind.  Thank you all, again, for all your love and support.  I am so blessed to have such an extensive network through my family, my church, and here online.

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Posted By Lisa on January 2, 2010

Even beginning this post is such a huge step and I realize that.  Anyone who knows me on a basic level knows that I joke a lot about a lot of inappropriate things.  I joke about my depression, anxiety, and PTSD.  I joke about my weight.  I joke about my lack of tidiness.  And why wouldn’t I?  If I didn’t joke, I’d cry.  See… even trying to be honest right now is causing tears.  Dammit, I hate crying.

This last decade has been full of wonderful things.  I met Mr. B.  I got married.  I had two beautiful daughters.  There’s no denying that 2009 ended with some amazing blessings.  But the decade didn’t start out as well as it ended.  In the year 2000 I was homeless, heartbroken, doing drugs, drinking excessively, and just beginning a tragic time of promiscuity. 

I’m such a textbook case too.  If you’ve read this story (and trust me, it’s not the full story, but Maggie can only take so much in a submission!), then you know why I’ve become the way I have.  Eating my emotions.  Not dealing with the mess in my head the way I don’t deal with the mess in my house.  I’ve tried Wii Fit (which I’ve now sold).  I’ve bought DVDs.  I’ve made all the resolutions about my house and weight that people make and have never been able to keep any of them.  It’s frustrating to my husband, it’s frustrating to me, and more than anything, I don’t want to pass on this life to my daughters.  They don’t deserve this.  They don’t deserve to have a mother who can’t keep up with them.  I don’t want to read this blog post written by one of them in 25 years.

I want to start this decade as a better woman than I was the last decade, but here comes the request.  I need help.  I don’t just mean the sideline cheering bullshit that I tend to ignore.  I don’t just mean someone who cannot be there for me, in person, on a daily basis.  I need someone to be:  In. My. Face.  Someone to hold me accountable.  Someone to encourage me.  Someone who will be my trainer, my coach, my therapist…. all rolled into one person.  Someone who can help me figure out how to make my home (nonjudgementally) a reflection of what I want for my family.  And ultimately teach me to be the woman, wife, and mother that I want to be.  I know I left some pretty big-ass shoes on my doorstep for someone to fill… so if you can’t fill the shoes, please pray for someone to fill those shoes.

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Posted By Lisa on December 15, 2009

This is a subject I never thought I’d have to deal with before I turn 30, but here I am.  Truth be told, it’s not a total surprise.  Brain cancer, brain surgery, radiation, stroke, remission, more brain cancer, and now a seizure disorder from all the scarring in her brain.  It’s kind of obvious that this would be happening. 

You know those old movies where the damsel is tied to the train tracks and the train is coming?  Yeah, it’s like that.  Except, there’s no hero to rescue me from the train that’s coming.  I’m not the pretty damsel, I’m the short, fat, ugly damsel.  No hero for me!

In the next few months I’ll be planning to find a new, bigger place to rent with room for my mom.  Filing bankruptcy for my mom  (as my mom has been incapable of making financial decisions for years now, but has been charging her credit cards like CRAZY…and lying to me about it).  Trying to obtain power of attorney.  Attempting to get her some life insurance.  Drafting a will.  All of this stuff that I have NO IDEA how to do or where it’s going to leave us when we’re done.

On top of this, I need to help my sister (who is a baby at the wee age of 18) create a resume, find appropriate interview clothing, find a full-time grown up job, and then help her find a place to live!  I’m actually quite excited about this.  I do wish she’d go to school as that would be better for her future, but I understand the financial distress of doing this, as she’s been witness to my mom’s financial failure and is petrified of following in her footsteps.  (Maybe there’s hope for her after all!)

All of this has really gotten me thinking about aging.  I’ve never been afraid of being elderly.  I’ve never bought into the fears of my generation (or the one before me) who feared wrinkles and looking anything but 29.  Wrinkles and gray hair are hardly anything to fear.  I really fear aging and losing my memory.  I fear senility.  I fear not being able to make decisions for myself.  Losing my independence.  I’ve watched my mom go from an ex-army drill sargeant who was extremely smart and well-read to an old lady who can’t remember what day of the week it is, and who doesn’t care to get dressed in the morning because she’s going to lie in bed all day, and can’t drive anymore.  That could be my legacy and it scares the shit out of me.

Where do I go from here?

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Posted By Lisa on December 11, 2009

I know it’s been a while.  I’d apologize but really, but I had shit to do.  I’m glad you missde-ded me, and thanks for coming back.  Oh! and thanks for understanding!

Most Graciously,

Lisa

***********************

Dear Self:

When you get headaches it does not mean you have a brain tumor.  Worrying about it, however, may indeed cause one.  I know Mom had brain tumors but that doesn’t mean you will.  So. Chill. OUT.

Sincerely,

Lisa

***************************

Dear Uterus,

Stop falling out.  Or keep falling out.  I’m not sure which I want.  If you come out that means the end of periods and possibly the end of kidney/bladder infections.  But it also means surgery and 4-8 weeks of recovery, and that means 4-8 weeks of no sex…..

Undecided,

Lisa

*****************************

Dear Gynecologist,

Don’t make me wear a pessary!  Don’t make me wear a pessary!  Don’t make me wear a pessary!

Crossing my fingers,

Lisa

*************************

Dear children:

You can be the sweetest children in the world, when you want be.  When you don’t, I swear you’re imbued with demons and it takes all my will power not to call a priest to exorcise you.  Please just be good children and spare mommy a trip to the looney bin.

Ever so grateful if you would,

Mommy

*****************************

Dear S:

The automated flushers will not suck you into the drain.  You are |____________| this big, and the drain is |___| this big.  You’re bigger; therefore, there’s nothing to be scared of.  This fear makes it impossible to go ANYWHERE with you.  It’s very annoying. 

Please get over this quickly so I can wear you out at the mall again soon.

Mommy

**************************

Dear S:

No matter how funny our bodily functions can be, your potty humor has gotten old and it makes people not want you to talk.  I don’t understand your obsession.  People say it’s normal.  I say it’s gross.  When I tell you it’s gross, you laugh.  I don’t know what else to do, so please, I’m BEGGING you, please shut up about farts and poop.  NO ONE wants to hear about it.

Just trying to help,

Mommy

************************

Dear Christmas:

When did you become about stuff?  Hearing what other people’s kids want for Christmas is just depressing!  I was pretty certain that you were about love, and family, and most importantly, a Savior, but the Ebay and Target commercials are trying to brainwash everyone.  Would you please remind everyone what you’re really about?

I’m not just saying this because I’m poor.  I really, really mean it.

Ever your fan,

Lisa

**********************

Dear Children, particularly S:

Quiet Time means:  Lie down in your bed for an hour or two and be GOOD and QUIET and REST so MOMMY doesn’t go insane and murder you all like a psychopath drug addict going through withdrawal.  It does NOT mean, climb on the night stand and jump onto your bed from there because if you get hurt I’m going to have to call the friggin ambulance to take you to the hospital because our car is stuck on the interstate under a tow ban because we had a friggin blizzard!  It ALSO does not mean: take all the toys and blankets out of your sister’s bed so she just stands there and cries for 30 minutes until you give them back.

Okay?  Okay.

Your EVER-loving Mommy.

**********************

Dear Winter Weather:

No. More. Blizzards.

Not. Kidding.

It’s NOT funny.

that dot near the street (or where the street SHOULD be)? the fire hydrant

Sore from shoveling 20 feet of sidewalk and it took me an hour,

Lisa

*************************

Dear Stuck Motorists,

You know what’s NOT smart? Driving on the road after all the snow from a blizzard fell and the plows haven’t been by.  (yeah, OK, Mr. B was one of them, but still… he did that BEFORE the blizzard, not after)  And 4-Wheel drive doesn’t help you if you’re in a drift that’s as high as your wheel well.  So, I have to put these up here for you to laugh at, because THIS was funny!

car 1 stuck---till midday the following day

Car 2--lucky guy was happened upon by a truck with a chain!

There were three more cars.  I got video on two, but didn’t get stills on them.

Still laughing,

Lisa

**********************

Dear Everyone:

Got something to rant about?  Write your own DSS post and head on over to Kat’s to join in on the fun!

Lisa

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Posted By Lisa on December 8, 2009

I wasn’t sure I was going to do this post.  I haven’t known Anissa very long.  I was introduced to her through Five Star Friday, when I read the post that made me love her.  She told off some redneck asshole in a fast food joint. I think any of us might have done that… At least any of us who are confident enough to recognize and confront bigotry and ignorance wherever we find it. 

A few weeks ago I was having a laugh with Anissa on Twitter regarding Twilight paraphenalia.  (Just trust me, there are some HUGELY outlandish things out there for the “true Twilight fan”)  Then, not a week after that, as I was packing for my trip to Atlanta, I remembered a chat I’d had with her on the FSF vid chat about getting together and meeting (for the first time in person) the next time I was down in Atlanta.  It was kind of surreal to be thinking that thought and to log on to Twitter to see every single one of my friends had a hash tag that said “prayers for Anissa”  Excuse me?  What?  What the HELL is going on?  It didn’t take much investigation to find that she’d had a massive stroke.

Shock is not how I’d describe how I felt.  Pissed off.  Yeah, that’s more like it.  Anyone who’s visited Anissa’s blog would know that this is not her first stroke.  Nor could they not know that her daughter Peyton had cancer.  I mean, seriously!  Enough is ENOUGH for some people.  As someone who’s had more than my share of struggles, I get tired of seeing people suffer; and though Anissa and I have not shared many of the same struggles, we have shared some very similar ones and she is another Sister in Christ and another kindred spirit through personal tragedy.  And enough IS enough for this remarkable woman.

I have since been cyber-stalking the http://hope4peyton.org website for updates on how Anissa is doing.  This morning, Peter’s post had my nearly sobbing.  Well, I should say, rather, that Anissa had me nearly sobbing.  (I was just crying relentlessly, hadn’t quite gotten to the sobs yet)  To say that this is a testament that our prayers will always fall on the the ears of a God who has suffered as we do would be an understatement.  The fact that Peter and Anissa still cling to God through all these overwhelming trials is inspirational.  The fact that there are hundreds to thousands of people praying for Anissa brings a whole new meaning to God’s promise of being in the midst of two or more joined in prayer!  And the fact that so many of these people who are praying only know Anissa through Twitter or the blogosphere just goes to show those who don’t believe that God works through ANY AND EVERY platform of human interaction for His Glory!

So, here’s what you can do to get in on this and help Anissa get better.  There are lots of things, actually that you can do.  You can donate directly to the family.  Peter, whose company is gracious enough to be as supportive as possible, is still home with the kids or with Anissa at the hospital. 24/7.  You can also purchase gift cards for the family members who are traveling to stay with them and help out.  (The address where to send those are on the Caring Bridge page.  here.)  Another blogger has created T-Shirts where all the proceeds go to the family.  However, if you can’t afford to make a financial donation and really want to do something to help, blogger, Megan at Undomestic Diva, has decided to collect pictures of people with messages for Anissa.  I’m pretty sure the goal is to have the slideshow to her in time for Christmas.  So, do what you can, and if you can’t do much in the way of donations or sending a care package, by all means, send a picture.  Let Anissa know she’s in your thoughts!

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Posted By Lisa on December 2, 2009

So, it’s December 2.  Last night the contest ended and now I will be selecting a winner of the FREE set of 4 pilsner glasses from Cookware.com!

Here. We. GOOOOOOO!

(forgive the out-of-season name holder!)

Holds all the power of the NAMES!!!!! woooooooooooo ok, yeah. just holds names

You're all in there!!!

WHOOOOOOOO will it be????

And the winner iiiiiiisssssssss: MISTY!

Misty, I will be sending you an email in the next few minutes requesting your mailing information so that Cookware.com can send you your prize!  Wanna see ‘em real quick?  I know you do.  (Ain’t they purty?)  Enjoy!

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Posted By Lisa on November 16, 2009

Looking for me?  You can find me here.

Please leave your comments there instead of here.  Thanks.

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Posted By Lisa on November 13, 2009

Seriously, are there any two things that go together better than that?  Personally, I don’t think so; and in these times, when most of us are hard-pressed to be able to afford an evening out, enjoying a homemade pizza and a beer (my current favorite being Leinenkugel’s Fireside Nut Brown). 

Yesterday, I received an email for Cookware.com and they offered me the opportunity to do a review and giveaway.  Needless to say, after asking a few questions, I jumped on board.  I spent hours (I mean cumulatively, literally) browsing their cookware sets (and who around here wouldn’t love a new cookware set for Christmas????), small appliances, baking accessories, drinkware, dinnerware, barware (of course), and lots and lots and LOTS more!  Seriously, this site is extensive!  I have to say that, for the majority of items, they offer a significant discount on all of these things.

After a few hours of searching and deciding, I finally thought of something I’ve been looking for, but couldn’t find at a decent price anywhere:  A cast iron pizza pan!  (Stay tuned for a review sometime in the new year!) Ohhhhh yummy!  All I could think of then was a nice buttery yeast crust topped with all my favorite things (and I don’t have to pay an arm and a leg to order it in!!! WOOT!)  I mean, really, check out this baby:

When I had to decide what I would give away, well, that was actually a lot easier!  I thought, “What goes great with pizza?  BEER!  DUH!”  A quick search led me right here:

So, here’s what you can win.  A set of four pilsner glasses by Libbey.  Freeze them, pour in your favorite beer, and enjoy that frothy nectar with a yummy pizza!  Wanna win them?  I do!  Wanna know how you win?  Here’s the deal:

• Leave a comment here with your email address.
• Extra entries:  Follow me on Twitter! Leave a comment when you do.
• Extra entries:  Tweet the giveaway with the following text and then leave a comment here with a link to the tweet:  Hey! Love pizza and beer? Win pilsners with @LisaUnfiltered’s new giveaway at http://unfilteredinsanity.com  Please RT.
• Contest begins NOW and ends December 1, which gives you PLENTY of time to enter to win!  I will draw the name randomly on December 2 and email you for your information to ship the item.

So, what are you still doing here?  Go.  Comment.  Tweet.  Win!

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Posted By Lisa on November 11, 2009

OK, I’d like to say, I’m not hating on anyone.  I’m just having a soapbox moment and I thought I’d throw it up here for discussion… if anyone even reads this anymore.

A FB status caught my eye and I thought it was a really cool FB status.  My friend said she spent the evening knitting, baking, and doing laundry.  She was amazed at her evening, but I was thinking, sounds more or less like mine, except I didn’t bake, or do laundry, or knit even.  But on most nights, after kids go to bed, I curl up on the couch with my crochet and watch TV.  Or, a more common scene, after all my TV watching is done, I click on my sewing machine and work on whatever.  A new purse, stuff for the shop that I’m trying to get done, whatever…

It didn’t bother me that she marveled at her evening.  We crafters have to start somewhere.  What bugged me a little were the comments (in jest) about “Knowing your Role as a Wife” and linking that ridiculous magazine article from 195?.  Perhaps it’s just me, I’ve been off my KIT pills for a few days and I’m super-irritable.  I know the jokes shouldn’t have bothered me.  Then I got to thinking… when did we define being a good wife with doing things like knitting and baking or laundry even?  Don’t we all need clean clothes?  And isn’t this the mentality of “domestic=weak?” (Like, we’re too fragile and dainty and stupid because we cook and clean and craft. (To which, I reply, NOT HARDLY!))  I mean, this is why a lot of women out there don’t talk about the fact that they do these things or enjoy doing these things because they’re shamed into feeling like they aren’t “modern” enough!  Then young kids don’t get taught how to do these things for the same reason and it slowly becomes a dying art.

I’m not saying that all women should want to do these things.  Just like I will never say, “All women should stay home and take care of their kids,” or “All men should hunt” (mine doesn’t) or whatever blanket statements of ideology you want to throw out there.  Won’t say it.  Can’t say it.  LOATHE blanket statements of ideology. 

Here’s what I am saying:  Can you just lay OFF!  If a woman wants to knit or have dinner ready for her husband when he gets home or maintains an immaculate home (God KNOWS I don’t!!!), can’t we just say “Good for you!”  Instead of spouting off your comments and jokes that all root from your own insecurities, just say “That’s amazing!”  or “That’s really sweet of you.”  or “Wish I had time to get all the laundry done.”

And for those of you who think needle crafts (Needle crafts are things like sewing, knitting, crochet, embroidery… i.e., crafts done with a needle) are not cool, look at what needle crafting can do for the world:

http://www.alwaysbeautifulyou.com/?gclid=CLK__tWhgp4CFSENDQodgA5ApQ

http://www.headhuggers.org/

http://www.bcrfcure.org/part_comm_gr_quiltforacure.html

http://www.allfreecrafts.com/charity-crafts.shtml

Don’t take for granted a gift you’ve been given because someone made you feel like less of a person for enjoying it.  Put it to use.

So that’s all!  *steppin’ down from mah soapbox and bow*

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Posted By Lisa on October 20, 2009

As soon as I get back into the mood to write my silly, inconsequential thoughts down in this place, we get sick.  I don’t mean a little cough, or a fever, or even H1N1.  That would have been a vacation from what we had.  I told Mr. B, “For all the shit and throw-up and sheets and toys and children I’ve washed in these past few days, including yours, you owe me.  Big time.  I’m talking diamonds.”  He appears to have wanted to take me literally and waltzed into Kay Jewelers to try and find me something.  And I refused.  I have strength.  I told him, “when we finally have money to buy jewelry, I’d like a new sewing machine instead.  Thanks.”

Of course, I don’t mean just ANY sewing machine.  I have an “any sewing machine” right now.  It’s been great for learning on, and I’m no expert, but it’s time that I’ve moved on up.  I want to do more and I just can’t with the machine I have. 

Here’s what I’m thinking:  http://www.walmart.com/Brother-Se350-Sewing-Embroidery-Machine/ip/8033273

ain't she a beaut?

It does basic embroidery and has a ton of stitches programmed in.  I think I can really take this stuff I do at home to the next level and hopefully get more sales over at my Etsy (by the way, I have a new purse/tote/diaper bag there you should check out!).  I know it’s not the best embroidery machine out there, but for a beginner embroiderer (??) it should be a great tool!  (heh… I said TOOL)

Don’t you just HATE it when you’re looking forward, all day, to doing something… you even throw a bit of a tantrum about never having enough time to do it… and when you FINALLY get to do it, everything falls apart?  Yeah, that was me yesterday.  All I wanted to do was sew this new purse I’m working on.  I spent all day cleaning the living room and kitchen, disinfecting from our illness.  Finally, I get the chance to work on it.  I iron my fabric.  I cut out the pieces.  I iron-on the interfacing.  I cut out the interior pocket.  THEN…. the machine keeps unthreading and the bobbin keeps getting stuck and the machine keeps eating the fabric on the pocket.  I finally get it all working right… my thread runs out on my ONLY SPOOL OF BROWN THREAD! 

FAIL

So, New Moon is coming out soon.  I hadn’t read Twilight and when I saw the previews, the movie looked so good that I had to read the books.  I borrow them and read inhale them.  Now, I’m stoked about the movie and reading them has sparked my fervor for reading again.  And, of course, not just any literature, cheesy vampire literature!  So, I’ve also inhaled what’s available of the House of Night series (which, although starts out kind of lame, is really addictive and a good story and plot… however, the over-explanation is a little annoying).  This got me inspired to read more cheesy horror/vampire novels, so I did some digging and found a series called “Vampire Academy.”  The vamp lore is a little different than most vamp books and so it should prove to be and interesting read, when it finally comes in from the library.  I’ve also got a series about a shaman and a succubus on hold at the library.  Not to mention the weird witch novel I’m trying to read right now.  Have I ever mentioned that I love sci-fi, fantasy, horror books?  I do.  Sucker for them, actually.

Lay off:  Jesus loves me and my horrible taste in literature!  OK? 

There you go.  If you’ve wondered where I’ve been these past couple of months… that’s where.  I’ve had my nose stuck in a book, or my hands twined in thread and fabric, or we’ve been sick.

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