Unfiltered Insanity

It’s Friday and that means it’s time for another rousing round of Dear So and So! You can find that classy, expat, funny, Dear So and So diva Kat across the pond in her 3 Bedroom Bungalow. Let’s get the party started.

My first letter, I’ve stolen (with permission) from my friend Jeff, who had this Facebook status update yesterday:

Dear Pringles:

Now that I’m no longer a child I can no longer fit my hand inside your tube of deliciousness. Please work on that.

Thanks, Jeff

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Now, onto my own random ranting!

Dear Darling Daughters:

Your high pitched squeal that you use when you’re excited, pissed, sad, or just for “whatever” is giving me a migraine. Could you please, PLEASE, stop it? I would be ever so appreciative (and less cranky).

Love, Mommy

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Dear Bloggers at BlogHer:

Stop tweeting about how exciting it is and how much fun you’re having and twitpicing your gorgeous, dressed up selves. I’m jealous enough. I’m a newbie blogger and I totally didn’t even hear about this conference until it was already sold out. You’re already going to come home and blog up a storm about everything you learned, the fantastic parties you went to, how hilarious the RedneckMommy really is IRL, how cute Neilochka is, how the WiiMommies livened up all the parties, how sweet PerksofBeingMe is, and how great TwentyFour’s boobs were! So, could you please, PLEASE lay off the tweeting and reserve it for us broke bloggers who are insanely jealous at home.

Your Broke, Blogging Buddy (heh… alliteration is cool): Lisa @ UnfilteredInsanity

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Dear Cable Companies:

We pay a lot for our internet access. It’s worth it to us because we love the cable modem speed versus DSL, truly we do. We even appreciate the limited amount of cable that it entitles us to. However, could you either add ESPN to that so I can stop listening to my husband complain, or lower your cable rates? I think $60 just for you to flip a switch and for me to plug in a coax cable is a little ridiculous. That puts everything combined at $100 a MONTH for entertainment! I gip! A Bloody GIP! Most cable shows can be viewed online (FOR FREE). So why are you charging an arm and a leg for cable? The only reason we want it is so we can get some sports networks in. Is that a LOT TO ASK?

A somewhat loyal customer, Lisa

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Dear Maybelline:

Vibrating mascara? Seriously? Do you know how clumsy most women are? We may want to be graceful and elegant, but most of us are really, really not. You’re going to be getting lawsuits all up and down this side of China because someone’s gone blind. A familiar movie tune, you’ll recognize it: “You’ll vibe your eye out! You’ll vibe your eye out!” (I mean, if you wanted to sell sex toys, why not just get in touch with Eden Fantasies, I’m sure they have a product or two you can pay to slap your name on!)

Confused and mostly afraid, Lisa

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Dear Pop Tarts (Nabisco???):

“Warning, Do not put in toaster with wrapper. Do not microwave wrapper!” For realz?

Left wondering who the idiot was, Lisa

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Dear Every Hair Appliance Manufacturer:

“Warning: Do not use near water, while showering, or in the tub.” Again, I ask, For Realz?

Left wondering, still, who the idiot was (and how much you doled out in THAT law suit), Lisa

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Dear Lawnmower manufacturers:

“Warning: Not to be used above your head.” I’m not going to ask “For Realz?” I’m going to ask, “What stupid idiot would think that putting a heavy machine with whirling blades over their head to trim bushes (heh… I get it, you don’t have to point it out to me) is a GOOD idea?”

Still very confused, Lisa

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Dear Idiots who’ve done all these things to get warning labels:

Sit down and don’t touch NUFFIN! Stop it. Put it down. Unplug it. Hire someone smarter to do it for you. Seriously.

Lisa.

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Dear Readers:

Go to Kat’s, she’s awesome. Grab her button (cuz she’s cool like dat!) and write your own. It’s quite liberating.

Your loving supplier of this UnfilteredInsanity, Lisa.

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This entry was posted by Lisa on Friday, July 24th, 2009 at 6:12 pm and is filed under Dear So and So. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.