Dear So and So…. Long time No see
I know it’s been a while. I’d apologize but really, but I had shit to do. I’m glad you missde-ded me, and thanks for coming back. Oh! and thanks for understanding!
Most Graciously,
Lisa
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Dear Self:
When you get headaches it does not mean you have a brain tumor. Worrying about it, however, may indeed cause one. I know Mom had brain tumors but that doesn’t mean you will. So. Chill. OUT.
Sincerely,
Lisa
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Dear Uterus,
Stop falling out. Or keep falling out. I’m not sure which I want. If you come out that means the end of periods and possibly the end of kidney/bladder infections. But it also means surgery and 4-8 weeks of recovery, and that means 4-8 weeks of no sex…..
Undecided,
Lisa
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Dear Gynecologist,
Don’t make me wear a pessary! Don’t make me wear a pessary! Don’t make me wear a pessary!
Crossing my fingers,
Lisa
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Dear children:
You can be the sweetest children in the world, when you want be. When you don’t, I swear you’re imbued with demons and it takes all my will power not to call a priest to exorcise you. Please just be good children and spare mommy a trip to the looney bin.
Ever so grateful if you would,
Mommy
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Dear S:
The automated flushers will not suck you into the drain. You are |____________| this big, and the drain is |___| this big. You’re bigger; therefore, there’s nothing to be scared of. This fear makes it impossible to go ANYWHERE with you. It’s very annoying.
Please get over this quickly so I can wear you out at the mall again soon.
Mommy
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Dear S:
No matter how funny our bodily functions can be, your potty humor has gotten old and it makes people not want you to talk. I don’t understand your obsession. People say it’s normal. I say it’s gross. When I tell you it’s gross, you laugh. I don’t know what else to do, so please, I’m BEGGING you, please shut up about farts and poop. NO ONE wants to hear about it.
Just trying to help,
Mommy
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Dear Christmas:
When did you become about stuff? Hearing what other people’s kids want for Christmas is just depressing! I was pretty certain that you were about love, and family, and most importantly, a Savior, but the Ebay and Target commercials are trying to brainwash everyone. Would you please remind everyone what you’re really about?
I’m not just saying this because I’m poor. I really, really mean it.
Ever your fan,
Lisa
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Dear Children, particularly S:
Quiet Time means: Lie down in your bed for an hour or two and be GOOD and QUIET and REST so MOMMY doesn’t go insane and murder you all like a psychopath drug addict going through withdrawal. It does NOT mean, climb on the night stand and jump onto your bed from there because if you get hurt I’m going to have to call the friggin ambulance to take you to the hospital because our car is stuck on the interstate under a tow ban because we had a friggin blizzard! It ALSO does not mean: take all the toys and blankets out of your sister’s bed so she just stands there and cries for 30 minutes until you give them back.
Okay? Okay.
Your EVER-loving Mommy.
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Dear Winter Weather:
No. More. Blizzards.
Not. Kidding.
It’s NOT funny.
that dot near the street (or where the street SHOULD be)? the fire hydrant
Sore from shoveling 20 feet of sidewalk and it took me an hour,
Lisa
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Dear Stuck Motorists,
You know what’s NOT smart? Driving on the road after all the snow from a blizzard fell and the plows haven’t been by. (yeah, OK, Mr. B was one of them, but still… he did that BEFORE the blizzard, not after) And 4-Wheel drive doesn’t help you if you’re in a drift that’s as high as your wheel well. So, I have to put these up here for you to laugh at, because THIS was funny!
car 1 stuck---till midday the following day
Car 2--lucky guy was happened upon by a truck with a chain!
There were three more cars. I got video on two, but didn’t get stills on them.
Still laughing,
Lisa
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Dear Everyone:
Got something to rant about? Write your own DSS post and head on over to Kat’s to join in on the fun!
Lisa
http://tinyurl.com/jesuslovesyouthisiknow
Oh goodness, my Oldest had major issues with potty mouth too. It was a living nightmare for a really long time. There’s a lot of behavior you can curb through various disciplinary actions, but I’m still stumped over how to deal with public uses of potty words. Can’t tape em shut, though I’ve thought about it!
One thing we did was restrict potty talk to the bathroom. You want to giggle about farts or poop? Go to the bathroom, you can tell your joke there. We still have the occasional poop talk slip out, but usually all it takes is a reminder that we are not in the bathroom.
You may need to prepare yourself to make it through bath time tho!