Unfiltered Insanity

If you follow me on Twitter or Facebook, then you know my mom’s cancer is back.  With a vengeance.  I spend most of my time at the hospital (well, now the hospice) and it’s both soothing and stressful to be there.  I like being there because I am waiting for those few minutes of lucidity that my mom has.  Moments where she is awake.  Moments where she understands the gravity of what is going on and we can share precious contempt for this bitch of a disease.

The stress comes when she is awake and doesn’t know what’s going on.  When I have to tell her over and over that she’s dying.  When she wants to go home so badly, but we’re unable to care for her there.  When she asks me over and over to contact people that she loves.

There are parts of me, selfish parts, that just wishes we never knew that this was coming.  Parts of me that wishes I didn’t have to deal with all this shit.  (and it is SHIT) I wish I could just arrive at the hospice and she’ll have peacefully slept and not wake up.  That seems so horrible to say, but I want this to be over, and I want it to be painless for her.  Don’t get me wrong, I’d trade my right arm to have years more with her, but not like this. 

I just want to thank everyone who is praying.  Your support is such a source of strength for me.  You always hear how important a support system is, but until you need one, you have no idea how truly important it is.

What I think I need to express more than anything is that we need the distractions as much as the sympathy.  I need to know that in this grief I can still be treated as I was before all this.  I still laugh at all the inappropriate jokes.  I still enjoy reading and movies and TV and gossiping about all those things (books, movies, and TV).  So, keep that in mind.  Thank you all, again, for all your love and support.  I am so blessed to have such an extensive network through my family, my church, and here online.

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This entry was posted by Lisa on Thursday, January 21st, 2010 at 10:23 am and is filed under General. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.