Revelations and Resolutions and Requests
Even beginning this post is such a huge step and I realize that. Anyone who knows me on a basic level knows that I joke a lot about a lot of inappropriate things. I joke about my depression, anxiety, and PTSD. I joke about my weight. I joke about my lack of tidiness. And why wouldn’t I? If I didn’t joke, I’d cry. See… even trying to be honest right now is causing tears. Dammit, I hate crying.
This last decade has been full of wonderful things. I met Mr. B. I got married. I had two beautiful daughters. There’s no denying that 2009 ended with some amazing blessings. But the decade didn’t start out as well as it ended. In the year 2000 I was homeless, heartbroken, doing drugs, drinking excessively, and just beginning a tragic time of promiscuity.
I’m such a textbook case too. If you’ve read this story (and trust me, it’s not the full story, but Maggie can only take so much in a submission!), then you know why I’ve become the way I have. Eating my emotions. Not dealing with the mess in my head the way I don’t deal with the mess in my house. I’ve tried Wii Fit (which I’ve now sold). I’ve bought DVDs. I’ve made all the resolutions about my house and weight that people make and have never been able to keep any of them. It’s frustrating to my husband, it’s frustrating to me, and more than anything, I don’t want to pass on this life to my daughters. They don’t deserve this. They don’t deserve to have a mother who can’t keep up with them. I don’t want to read this blog post written by one of them in 25 years.
I want to start this decade as a better woman than I was the last decade, but here comes the request. I need help. I don’t just mean the sideline cheering bullshit that I tend to ignore. I don’t just mean someone who cannot be there for me, in person, on a daily basis. I need someone to be: In. My. Face. Someone to hold me accountable. Someone to encourage me. Someone who will be my trainer, my coach, my therapist…. all rolled into one person. Someone who can help me figure out how to make my home (nonjudgementally) a reflection of what I want for my family. And ultimately teach me to be the woman, wife, and mother that I want to be. I know I left some pretty big-ass shoes on my doorstep for someone to fill… so if you can’t fill the shoes, please pray for someone to fill those shoes.
http://tinyurl.com/jesuslovesyouthisiknow
Gee, your needing to get yourself straight for the sake of your kids sounds so much like me 6 years ago!! My hubz is military and I was facing a year long deployment with 2 little kids to deal with. I was obese, depressed, everything you have said. My hubz is enlisted (an E-5 at the time if you know what that means) and I WAS a SAHM. I scrounged every little bit of money I could. I joined a gym that was opening and had child care and offered me 3 free personal training sessions for joining before they opened. I RAN to my primary care doc and said I was obese and needed a change. He sent me to behavioral health services which helped me address why I ate my emotions and was a slug – some county health departments offer health and wellness counseling, too. I had my 3 personal training sessions and did not want to give up. I scrounged for more money – we went nowhere, not out to eat, nothing. Found fun in crafts with natural items, played games, etc. Daughter started Kindergarten. I bought the max number of sessions I could while they were on special their first month open. I used them. I learned!! From January to November of 2004 I managed to lose 80 lbs and find myself. I am now a persona trainer and WORK for my trainer teaching Pilates. E-mail me and we will see what we can do!!!
Wow, that’s a lot to throw out there, and good for you for doing it. I hope you can find somebody you can fit that bill. Maybe just pick one thing to start with and go from there. Don’t try to fix too many things at once. Know what I mean?