Unfiltered Insanity

So my last post was about my mom going into hospice, and I haven’t been back since.  I had been at the hospice nearly every day since she went in.  We were able to talk a little, finalize some plans, cry, hug, reminisce.  Mom passed away on Sunday, February 28.  I feel a wide range of emotions from relief to sadness to guilt.  I won’t delve into a whole lot of what those emotions really mean.  It’s too much right now.  I miss her, I do, but 13 years with brain cancer, going in and out of remission, is long enough for anyone, and too long for most. 

I have seen a lot of God’s hand and faithfulness throughout this whole experience.  From my wonderful church family who have walked with me throughout this entire experience.  They have been a true blessing to my family and they will never know how much they all mean to me. 

God has answered a lot of prayers for us.  Everything that I could have ever wanted for Mom happened.  Mom always said that she prayed, “God, just let me get Cristina to 18, then if you want me, you can have me.”  My sister, Cristina, turned 18 this past August.  I asked for this illness to progress quickly once she went into hospice, we were there for 6 weeks.  I asked God to take Mom peacefully and painlessly, she passed in her sleep and she had been pain-free for days by then.  (We were told by the neurologist and neurosurgeon that this tumor would make her sleepy, but would not cause her much pain.  Facial expressions in the final days confirmed that she was not in pain.)

These are not the only things that I’ve seen God’s hand work through.  He answered so many unspoken prayers, things that I didn’t even realize I was seeking Him for in my heart. 

WARNING, THE NEXT PARAGRAPH SPEAKS OF HER LAST BREATH, IF YOU CANNOT OR DO NOT WANT TO READ IT, SKIP THE PARAGRAPH THE POST CONTINUES AFTER THAT PARAGRAPH WITHOUT SPEAKING OF HER MOMENTS OF DEATH

I wasn’t sure if I wanted to be there when she passed, and truly, God made it that not only was I not there, but there were no signs that her last breath was upon us.  The nurse got her cleaned up for the day that morning and she was breathing heavy, but not labored.  He left the room to check on another patient, and when walking past her room, she was gone. 

I didn’t know if I wanted to be there when the funeral home took her, and again, I wasn’t there, they were about an hour early.  Other little things like her billing cycle ended on the same day she died, so we did not owe any more money than what was already paid.  Not to mention how all this started, when we found out, etc.  God has really just shown His faithfulness.   This whole ordeal really solidified my faith and encouraged me into knowing that:  even when you don’t realize you’re seeking God, your connection to your Savior is constant and He is always taking care of us.  I am truly humbled.

I know not everyone who reads me believes in God and I thank you for listening to me even when you don’t always agree with what I have to say.  But I do wonder what you would give credit to for all the blessings we’ve experienced throughout this experience:  Coincidence?  Karma?  Chance?   (not that you have to comment and tell me… just a musing of my brain)

So below is a little picture tribute to Mom.  Starting with pictures of the tattoos my sister and I got to memorialize her.

Tags:

This entry was posted by Lisa on Tuesday, March 9th, 2010 at 12:59 pm and is filed under General. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.