I know it’s been a while.  I’d apologize but really, but I had shit to do.  I’m glad you missde-ded me, and thanks for coming back.  Oh! and thanks for understanding!

Most Graciously,

Lisa

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Dear Self:

When you get headaches it does not mean you have a brain tumor.  Worrying about it, however, may indeed cause one.  I know Mom had brain tumors but that doesn’t mean you will.  So. Chill. OUT.

Sincerely,

Lisa

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Dear Uterus,

Stop falling out.  Or keep falling out.  I’m not sure which I want.  If you come out that means the end of periods and possibly the end of kidney/bladder infections.  But it also means surgery and 4-8 weeks of recovery, and that means 4-8 weeks of no sex…..

Undecided,

Lisa

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Dear Gynecologist,

Don’t make me wear a pessary!  Don’t make me wear a pessary!  Don’t make me wear a pessary!

Crossing my fingers,

Lisa

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Dear children:

You can be the sweetest children in the world, when you want be.  When you don’t, I swear you’re imbued with demons and it takes all my will power not to call a priest to exorcise you.  Please just be good children and spare mommy a trip to the looney bin.

Ever so grateful if you would,

Mommy

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Dear S:

The automated flushers will not suck you into the drain.  You are |____________| this big, and the drain is |___| this big.  You’re bigger; therefore, there’s nothing to be scared of.  This fear makes it impossible to go ANYWHERE with you.  It’s very annoying. 

Please get over this quickly so I can wear you out at the mall again soon.

Mommy

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Dear S:

No matter how funny our bodily functions can be, your potty humor has gotten old and it makes people not want you to talk.  I don’t understand your obsession.  People say it’s normal.  I say it’s gross.  When I tell you it’s gross, you laugh.  I don’t know what else to do, so please, I’m BEGGING you, please shut up about farts and poop.  NO ONE wants to hear about it.

Just trying to help,

Mommy

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Dear Christmas:

When did you become about stuff?  Hearing what other people’s kids want for Christmas is just depressing!  I was pretty certain that you were about love, and family, and most importantly, a Savior, but the Ebay and Target commercials are trying to brainwash everyone.  Would you please remind everyone what you’re really about?

I’m not just saying this because I’m poor.  I really, really mean it.

Ever your fan,

Lisa

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Dear Children, particularly S:

Quiet Time means:  Lie down in your bed for an hour or two and be GOOD and QUIET and REST so MOMMY doesn’t go insane and murder you all like a psychopath drug addict going through withdrawal.  It does NOT mean, climb on the night stand and jump onto your bed from there because if you get hurt I’m going to have to call the friggin ambulance to take you to the hospital because our car is stuck on the interstate under a tow ban because we had a friggin blizzard!  It ALSO does not mean: take all the toys and blankets out of your sister’s bed so she just stands there and cries for 30 minutes until you give them back.

Okay?  Okay.

Your EVER-loving Mommy.

**********************

Dear Winter Weather:

No. More. Blizzards.

Not. Kidding.

It’s NOT funny.

that dot near the street (or where the street SHOULD be)? the fire hydrant

Sore from shoveling 20 feet of sidewalk and it took me an hour,

Lisa

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Dear Stuck Motorists,

You know what’s NOT smart? Driving on the road after all the snow from a blizzard fell and the plows haven’t been by.  (yeah, OK, Mr. B was one of them, but still… he did that BEFORE the blizzard, not after)  And 4-Wheel drive doesn’t help you if you’re in a drift that’s as high as your wheel well.  So, I have to put these up here for you to laugh at, because THIS was funny!

car 1 stuck---till midday the following day

Car 2--lucky guy was happened upon by a truck with a chain!

There were three more cars.  I got video on two, but didn’t get stills on them.

Still laughing,

Lisa

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Dear Everyone:

Got something to rant about?  Write your own DSS post and head on over to Kat’s to join in on the fun!

Lisa

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You have no idea how good this is for the soul… so click that pretty little picture and pour your heart out!  Ready!  OK!

DEAR. MONEY: 

I don’t understand why we need you!  I mean I do.  But I don’t.  You just come into my bank account and get sucked RIGHT. BACK. OUT.  (stupid bills… watch out… you’re next!)  Stop disappearing already!  I need you to complete my plans of WORLD DOMINATION paying all the bills.

Thanks.  Lisa  (PS, if you think you’d like to help with this… I’m not going to bleg here, but you see that cute little Etsy store down there?  Yeah.  If you were to maybe stop there and, I don’t know, PURCHASE something… well, that would help…. OK…thanks…bye)

*********************************

Dear Bills (I told you to watch out):

Every damn day the mailman comes and brings me more of you.  Don’t you think I have enough already?  I mean you keep SUCKING THE LIFE right OUTTA ME!  Just when we think we have it all under control, you come along and SUCK more from us!  How dare you…………… 

I’m not thanking you.  Lisa (PS… if you think you’d like to help with this, again…not blegging…. read above PS okthanksbye)

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Dear MOM (no, not Milk of Magnesia):

Now I know why I don’t know how to manage money.  I learned from you.  You cannot manage money.  Here’s a tip, Ma… if it’s under $1000 and you have to buy it on credit… you CAN’T. AFFORD. IT.  That stupid Bose CD player you bought for $500?  Hate to tell you this… you can buy a pretty decent stereo at Target or Best Buy for around $100.  Yes, Mom, really.  And the steam cleaner you bought?  I have one.  In YOUR garage!  Why spend $300 on something you already have available to you….and you haven’t even used it.  I just don’t understand.  It makes me want to CRY!    If we get moved in together…. some things are going to have to change.  Ok?  OK!

Your darling daughter, Lisa

***************************************

Dear Ben and Jerry’s: 

Seriously?  You’re one of the most liberal companies in the world.  All of us know that.  You’re a bunch of hippies.  We  love your ice cream.  I’m a personal fan of your waffle cone flavor, Cherry Garcia, Phish Food, and when I’m in the mood for complete decadence, Half-Baked.  We all know you support gay marriage.  I’m not attacking that.  Really.  But HubbyHubby?  Could you have come up with a better name?  And now, are you going to be coming out with a WifeyWifey?  You gotta keep it balanced, you know?  But aside from that… changing the name… Seriously messed with my life this week.  I felt the need to counter a lot of negativity thrown out into the internets especially the Twitterverse.  Mostly by Christians, and being that I am a Christian, it made me angry that they were speaking so negatively and being so close-minded.  It sucked.  And therefore, you suck.

A consumer, Lisa

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Dear Consumers of Ben and Jerry’s that are pissed off about HubbyHubby:

It’s ice cream.  You aren’t supporting gay marriage by buying it.  You’re not doing anything other than eating ice cream.  You’re not betraying Jesus.  Do you think he cares what ice cream is named or if you buy it?  Really?  Do you think that’s what he concerns himself with?  Not lost people.  Not our personal souls…. ice cream.  That’s what it’s all about.  I remember the commandment:  Thou shalt not eat Ben and Jerry’s because they support gay marriage.  Oh wait, no I don’t.  ‘Cuz it’s ICE. CREAM.  You might as well spin your own wool, tan your own leather, grow all your food, and raise your own cattle, because that is the ONLY way that you won’t be buying into a liberal company.  Why don’t you spend some of that energy fighting things like:

• Child Abuse
• Domestic Violence
• Eating Disorders
• Genocide
• Cancer
• Teen Drinking
• Drug Abuse

The Bible says to be IN the world and not OF the world.  Buying ice cream doesn’t make you OF the world.  It just means that peanut butter filled pretzels in ice cream is GOOOD.  Being IN the world means that you are going to have to witness things and tolerate things that you don’t agree with.  I think there are worthier things to disagree with than gay marriage (see above).  Things that don’t revolve around judgemnt.

So….. GET. OVER. IT.  It’s just ice cream.

K, thanks bye.

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Dear Cancer:

SUCKIT!

Your noninfected victim, Lisa.

That’s all for now.  I don’t have the energy to write any more.  Go to Kat’s.  Link up.  Join in the fun!

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Let’s get this session rollin’!

Dear S,

You are the funniest, sweetest, most imaginative little “almost 4 year old” I’ve ever had the pleasure to know. Seeing you every day, and getting to know you more every day, fills my heart with love and hope.

HOWEVER! If you don’t start being more obedient and less argumentative and snotty and snarky, I’m going to give you away.

Love, Mommy

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Dear Lisa Unfiltered…..

Remember to take your “Keep it Together” pills! You are going to go insane one of these days and then people will see you on the front lawn, naked, yelling at a piece of grass for not growing in the right direction and you really don’t want to spend the week in the mental ward next to your MIL. OK? I’m just looking out for you.

Cordially, Yourself

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Dear Lisa Unfiltered….

Remember, just because you like debate, does not mean that you should get involved in every debate. You are passionate and that is fantastic; however, your passion comes off a little strong. Remember, you are not in Miami. Speaking over people is not an approved method of cordial conversation. AND, you’re not in the South… interjecting in people’s lives and conversations, also not an approved method. Of anything. Jus’ Sayin’!

Seriously. Yourself.

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Dear New Amsterdam Gin:

I am going to have to take a lil vacay from you. You messed my tummy UP! But you’re sooooo delicious *drool*. Now I’m having a hard time deciding if you’re more delicious with Limeade or Strawberry Lemonade. *drool* Although I had a seriously fantastic evening with you and the Church Punk Mom on Wednesday.

Drooling, Lisa.

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Dear Iowa State Fair:

I’m not a regular attender, because, well, because I’m not a “state fair” type of person. Although, for a seasoned people watcher like me, it is certainly a veritable schmorgesborg of “eye candy.” (Trust me, I use that term very loosely and sarcastically.) I just was “tuned into” your plan to have CHOCOLATE COVERED BACON…… ON A STICK!!!!????!!!! Seriously???? First of all…… EW. Second of all……. are you trying to have one of the 500 pound waddlers who attend (especially for the races) ACTUALLY die of a heart attack AT THE FAIR???? That’ll be great for revenue! Unless Aman really did uncover your secret plan to acquire more money from the Obama administration for Universal Crapcare.

A concerned citizen, Lisa

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Dear Computers:

When a window updates and I’m in another window, and it blinks orange, it gives me an ANXIETY ATTACK! Sure, I may need to take my pills, but really…. Can you pick a more soothing color? I feel like I’m about to be blown up if I don’t get back to the window fast enough.

Currently panicking, Lisa.

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Dear readers.

Sorry for my insanity. Go click the button above and play too. Then you can tell me personally in your blog how crazy I am.

LisaUnfiltered

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Let’s get started:

Dear A:

I love you so dearly, but your high-pitched scream you’ve started doing JUST to get me to pay attention to you… NOT SO ENDEARING! In fact, it makes my ears bubble and brain spill out. If I’m going to school you and your sister, I kinda need the brain… so please… STOP IT! Walking up to me and saying, “mama” works just FINE! Oh, and please learn to climb down the stairs, this would also help in your not screaming.

Your loving “mama”

************************************

Dear Darling Daughters:

Please stop doing things that would have me say such awesome things like, “Stop throwing the panties around!” or “Your sister is not a chair!” It would truly make me a less loud Mommy!

Mommy

************************************

Dear Technology:

Screw you! (See my post from yesterday to understand)

Your loyal owner, Lisa

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Dear Etsy Shoppers:

Have you been to the So So Belle Boutique? You should go there, and, perhaps, buy something! I have more that will be up later today… so stop by, frequently!

Your loyal seller, Lisa

************************************

Dear Bloggers I follow:

I’m so sorry I haven’t been around in a while. I’ve been trying to be “responsible” and do my housework (not that you’d be able to tell that I’ve been doing it, but still). I’ve also been trying to spend more time with my kiddies! I’ve also been crafting a LOT. I will be back. I will leave you the comment love. Don’t give up on me yet!

Your reader, Lisa

************************************

Dear Elbow:

WTF is WRONG with you!?!?!? Every time you even graze something, I get a funny bone reaction! It’s painful. It’s annoying. Stop it. NOW!

I’ll cut you off… wait…. that would mean I couldn’t write anymore, or possibly sew…. or crochet… OK, you win jerk off, but still…. stop it!

Lisa

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Dear America:

Are you effing kidding me? Last week you voted of Janette. This week you voted off Ade. You guys seriously need a reality check. If you make Evan your favorite dancer, I might have to hack into some system (with my mad, non-ability to hack ANYTHING) and find out where all of you live and kick all your asses. I’m just sayin’. He’s hardly the best dancer on that show. Get a grip people!

One really pissed off viewer, Lisa

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Dear S:

Please read above letter to both of you about things I didn’t want to say. Please take heed. I really don’t wanna yell “We’re not having a panty fight!” It’s just weird!

Mommy

***********************************

Dear Readers:

Sorry I’m not super funny today. I’m sure some of the other DSS people are. Go see them too! I left instructions above about how to get to Kat’s.

Your loyal UnfilteredInsanity blogger, Lisa

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My first letter, I’ve stolen (with permission) from my friend Jeff, who had this Facebook status update yesterday:

Dear Pringles:

Now that I’m no longer a child I can no longer fit my hand inside your tube of deliciousness. Please work on that.

Thanks, Jeff

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Now, onto my own random ranting!

Dear Darling Daughters:

Your high pitched squeal that you use when you’re excited, pissed, sad, or just for “whatever” is giving me a migraine. Could you please, PLEASE, stop it? I would be ever so appreciative (and less cranky).

Love, Mommy

***************************************

Dear Bloggers at BlogHer:

Stop tweeting about how exciting it is and how much fun you’re having and twitpicing your gorgeous, dressed up selves. I’m jealous enough. I’m a newbie blogger and I totally didn’t even hear about this conference until it was already sold out. You’re already going to come home and blog up a storm about everything you learned, the fantastic parties you went to, how hilarious the RedneckMommy really is IRL, how cute Neilochka is, how the WiiMommies livened up all the parties, how sweet PerksofBeingMe is, and how great TwentyFour’s boobs were! So, could you please, PLEASE lay off the tweeting and reserve it for us broke bloggers who are insanely jealous at home.

Your Broke, Blogging Buddy (heh… alliteration is cool): Lisa @ UnfilteredInsanity

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Dear Cable Companies:

We pay a lot for our internet access. It’s worth it to us because we love the cable modem speed versus DSL, truly we do. We even appreciate the limited amount of cable that it entitles us to. However, could you either add ESPN to that so I can stop listening to my husband complain, or lower your cable rates? I think $60 just for you to flip a switch and for me to plug in a coax cable is a little ridiculous. That puts everything combined at $100 a MONTH for entertainment! I gip! A Bloody GIP! Most cable shows can be viewed online (FOR FREE). So why are you charging an arm and a leg for cable? The only reason we want it is so we can get some sports networks in. Is that a LOT TO ASK?

A somewhat loyal customer, Lisa

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Dear Maybelline:

Vibrating mascara? Seriously? Do you know how clumsy most women are? We may want to be graceful and elegant, but most of us are really, really not. You’re going to be getting lawsuits all up and down this side of China because someone’s gone blind. A familiar movie tune, you’ll recognize it: “You’ll vibe your eye out! You’ll vibe your eye out!” (I mean, if you wanted to sell sex toys, why not just get in touch with Eden Fantasies, I’m sure they have a product or two you can pay to slap your name on!)

Confused and mostly afraid, Lisa

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Dear Pop Tarts (Nabisco???):

“Warning, Do not put in toaster with wrapper. Do not microwave wrapper!” For realz?

Left wondering who the idiot was, Lisa

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Dear Every Hair Appliance Manufacturer:

“Warning: Do not use near water, while showering, or in the tub.” Again, I ask, For Realz?

Left wondering, still, who the idiot was (and how much you doled out in THAT law suit), Lisa

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Dear Lawnmower manufacturers:

“Warning: Not to be used above your head.” I’m not going to ask “For Realz?” I’m going to ask, “What stupid idiot would think that putting a heavy machine with whirling blades over their head to trim bushes (heh… I get it, you don’t have to point it out to me) is a GOOD idea?”

Still very confused, Lisa

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Dear Idiots who’ve done all these things to get warning labels:

Sit down and don’t touch NUFFIN! Stop it. Put it down. Unplug it. Hire someone smarter to do it for you. Seriously.

Lisa.

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Dear Readers:

Go to Kat’s, she’s awesome. Grab her button (cuz she’s cool like dat!) and write your own. It’s quite liberating.

Your loving supplier of this UnfilteredInsanity, Lisa.

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Dear MIL:

I thought I’d give you this attention you’re seeking and write you a nice little letter here on my very public blog, so that you receive the attention this “deserves.” Shit or get off the pot. I’m not even kidding. You’re 53 years old and it’s about time you grew up. I wish I could get all worked up every time you swallow a handful of pills, but you burned that bridge the 4th or 5th time you did this. This is like the 9th or 10th. Over it. Our kids deserve to have a grandparent who doesn’t do this and they will not be exposed to you if you’re going to continue this. It’s not that we don’t love you, we do, but you need to pull yourself together already! It’s time to learn to take care of yourself. Stop being a victim and be a survivor already. People do it every day! And victim of what exactly? Life not being fair?! Your 3-yo granddaughter says that to me and my answer to you is the same as my answer to her: “Life’s not fair. Sometimes you have to do things that you don’t enjoy. In order to have the freedom to do the things you DO enjoy, you have to do things you DON’T enjoy too.” (Like hold down a job) So quit yer bitchin’ already.

Your DIL, Lisa

***************************************

This is the only letter I’m writing today. I’m so frustrated with this whole MIL thing, I can’t remember anything else that pissed me off this week.

Go to Kat’s!

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**********NEW UPDATED LETTER************

Dear Michael Jackson,

A gold coffin? Really? It was bad enough that you had to bankrupt yourself in order to give into your shopping addictions for retarded things like amusement parks and vases, but to be buried in solid gold? You’re DEAD! (unless this is all a publicity stunt for the tour) Although I did enjoy some of your music when growing up, I can’t say the world is going to be a better or worse place without you. Just like me, you were human, and we all pass away. You could have paid off some of your debts with that coffin. SERIOUSLY! I’m pretty sure the cost of that coffin would have been enough to pay for your 2 MILLION DOLLAR FUNERAL! Do you even know what that money could mean to a person like me?

A perturbed former fan, Lisa

******************************************

Dear Teenagers in general:

(Valley Girl Accent!) O. M. G. *sigh* Like… I know you think you are sooooo cool, but life, the Earth, the sun, none of it revolves around you. And seriously? Where do you get off thinking you’re original getting tattoos and stretching your ears out to fit baseballs through? I won’t say it’s not cool, because on some people, it totally is. It may even look cool on you, but it doesn’t mean you were the first to come by the idea or that you’re “outside the box” of modern thinking believing you’ve come up with some grand gesture to reflect your individuality. Seriously! Please wash your hair, brush your teeth, and stop thinking that the crap music you listen to is the reflection of your soul. Did you know that your soul is so. much. cooler than that crap you listen to? You’re not the first one to be depressed. You’re not the first one to think you’re “indie.” You’re not the first one to dye your hair a “funky” color. You’re not the first person to take pictures at odd angles and call it art. You’re not the first person to think that your feelings are “like, so deep.” Get over yourselves already. For realz yo!

So over it already, Lisa

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Dear Teenage BOYS:

Wear some pants that were made for boys. For REAL! Girl pants on you doesn’t make you look “cool,” “emo,” “indie,” or “scene.” It makes you look like skinny boys in girls’ pants. Mixed with your long hair (on some of you the hair is okay, but really…) you kinda look like girls. No offense, just calling ‘em as I see ‘em. Especially if you were not, er, genetically priviledged… and kinda overweight???? Yeah… you know what I mean. You look like girls.

Trying to look out for you, really… Lisa

PS, see letter above to teenagers in general, cuz it applies to you too.

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Dear Christian Fundamentalists:

The more time you sit around bitching about the best way to do ANYTHING means that you have LESS time to do what God called us to do…. love other people and proclaim the Gospel. Between you fundamentalists who go around trying to dictate how others should believe and the “Christians” who go to church on Sunday but knowingly and blatantly sin throughout the rest of the week, it’s no wonder people don’t want to be Christians. Here’s a thought… Stop trying to determine the rules of Christianity and go be Christians.

A frustrated believer, Lisa

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Dear Keiko Tobe,

Thank you for your Manga series, With the Light. SO enlightening! I feel I understand more about the trials of raising an autistic child and I feel that I can understand a little more of the “rationale” behind the behavior of some autistic children better. Though I’m far from knowledgable of Autism, I feel I have a good foundation to absorb more knowledge. The characters are loving, lovable, and real. Even the ones you don’t love at first!

An avid reader, Lisa

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Dear Jerk,

You know who you are and what you’ve done. Don’t think you can get away with it. That girl deserves peace and to be left alone. So, go take a long walk off a short cliff.

I’m just sayin’

A concerned friend, Lisa

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That’s really all I have for now. You’ll have to click on all the links over at Kat’s to read more rants! Or, better yet, go write your own! Until next week!

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