Another reason I should know better than to post stuff on my Facebook page is I tend to post there quickly without really FILTERING my feelings about some things.  So here’s my TRUE. HONEST. opinion about abortion.

I am against abortion.  I don’t think that it’s the right thing to do.  I think that if you make the decision to have sex out of wedlock and you get pregnant, that you should accept responsibility for your actions.  (Oh, and there’s NO. REASON. to pass judgment on the unwed mother or father… seriously, folks.  That’s between them and God.)  I also don’t agree that if you find out that your baby has some kind of disease that you don’t feel is “fair” or that you “can handle” you shouldn’t terminate that pregnancy.

Here’s what I DO think about situations of rape.  That woman was already FORCED, DRUGGED, or COERCED into doing something they unequivocally DID. NOT. want to do.  That woman should NOT be forced to carry NOR forced to terminate the pregnancy if they CHOOSE not to.  They need to have a choice in their body, especially as a result of something that happened where choice was completely taken away from them.

As for me, at the time of my rape, I would have had an abortion if I’d gotten pregnant.  I wouldn’t have thought twice about it.  I would have trusted the doctor I saw to take care of me.  I would not have felt that I was being violated or that the violence of the act was being perpetuated. I can’t say that I wouldn’t have felt guilty, but I probably wouldn’t regret it.

(I’ve done a lot of “wrong” things in my life and I have no regrets, because I now see how the path I took led me to Christ.  I’m not saying that I didn’t feel guilt over some of them, but I’m FORGIVEN and looking back like that will do nothing but further Satan’s cause to push me to sin further!)

If it were to happen to me now.  Now that I know Christ.  Now that I have different beliefs. I probably would NOT choose to abort the baby, but give it up for adoption instead.

And since I’ve never had the pregnancy aspect happen to me, I’ll TRULY never know what my decision would have been, but I can tell you I would want to have a CHOICE.

(TRIGGER WARNING:  If you’re a rape survivor, be WARNED!  This next paragraph COULD trigger an anxiety attack.)

Let me see if I can let you into the mind of a sexual assault survivor:

Oh, shit!  What happened?  What did I do?  Did I actually say “no” or did I just think it?  Does it matter?  I remember struggling.  Did I? I remember asking him to stop.  Did I?  Was I drugged? What if he drugged me and then I liked it.  I feel kinda sick *vomit*.  That really happened.  Why me? Did my actions say I’m a whore and I’m only good for sex?  Well, it must be all I’m good for, because he did it.  Did he use a condom?  Oh shit, what if I get pregnant? *vomit* Oh, there’s a condom on the ground next to me.  phew. What if it broke? No one’s ever going to believe me.  Oh God! I just want to die.  Please let me die.  Am I dead yet?  How can I die?

After that comes the PTSD.  PTSD is a FUN (not) disorder where you continually have anxiety and fear.  It is made worse by the depression that comes after.

Then there comes the numbing.  What can I do to numb myself? Drugs, alcohol, promiscuous sex (all paths that I have traveled down to numb myself after I was raped when I was 19), dangerous thrill-seeking (NOT something I’ve done).  And if a woman is pregnant, but doesn’t want to be, unless she is VERY strong in her faith OR is in some kind of denial, will probably turn to those things to either terminate the pregnancy herself, or just to numb herself to the pregnancy.

Even after a woman seeks counseling for rape or other sexual assaults, the depression and anxiety don’t just “magically” disappear.  Even Christian women who have turned their horrors over to Christ still deal with this to some extent.  We’re never fully healed. Some men still give us the creeps, no matter what kind of guy they are (even some women). Any kind of discussion on the subject can trigger these feelings.  Really, anything can trigger the feelings.  Smells, sounds, seeing someone who even has one feature of the man can be a trigger.

Again, I’m not a pro-choicer (though it may sound like it).  I am FIRMLY against abortion.  You can refer to the earlier paragraph to read my real opinion about abortion.  I’m not saying that I think they should or shouldn’t have the abortion.  But in this instance, I’m pretty firm in my belief that a woman raped should be given a choice… and no condemnation.  If she decides to carry the baby to term then that’s awesome (and very courageous and strong and a woman to be ADMIRED), but should she decide not to, she shouldn’t be forced to (and still very courageous and strong and a woman to be ADMIRED because she SURVIVED and didn’t KILL HERSELF or that HE didn’t kill her).

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A few weeks ago I was having a laugh with Anissa on Twitter regarding Twilight paraphenalia.  (Just trust me, there are some HUGELY outlandish things out there for the “true Twilight fan”)  Then, not a week after that, as I was packing for my trip to Atlanta, I remembered a chat I’d had with her on the FSF vid chat about getting together and meeting (for the first time in person) the next time I was down in Atlanta.  It was kind of surreal to be thinking that thought and to log on to Twitter to see every single one of my friends had a hash tag that said “prayers for Anissa”  Excuse me?  What?  What the HELL is going on?  It didn’t take much investigation to find that she’d had a massive stroke.

Shock is not how I’d describe how I felt.  Pissed off.  Yeah, that’s more like it.  Anyone who’s visited Anissa’s blog would know that this is not her first stroke.  Nor could they not know that her daughter Peyton had cancer.  I mean, seriously!  Enough is ENOUGH for some people.  As someone who’s had more than my share of struggles, I get tired of seeing people suffer; and though Anissa and I have not shared many of the same struggles, we have shared some very similar ones and she is another Sister in Christ and another kindred spirit through personal tragedy.  And enough IS enough for this remarkable woman.

I have since been cyber-stalking the http://hope4peyton.org website for updates on how Anissa is doing.  This morning, Peter’s post had my nearly sobbing.  Well, I should say, rather, that Anissa had me nearly sobbing.  (I was just crying relentlessly, hadn’t quite gotten to the sobs yet)  To say that this is a testament that our prayers will always fall on the the ears of a God who has suffered as we do would be an understatement.  The fact that Peter and Anissa still cling to God through all these overwhelming trials is inspirational.  The fact that there are hundreds to thousands of people praying for Anissa brings a whole new meaning to God’s promise of being in the midst of two or more joined in prayer!  And the fact that so many of these people who are praying only know Anissa through Twitter or the blogosphere just goes to show those who don’t believe that God works through ANY AND EVERY platform of human interaction for His Glory!

So, here’s what you can do to get in on this and help Anissa get better.  There are lots of things, actually that you can do.  You can donate directly to the family.  Peter, whose company is gracious enough to be as supportive as possible, is still home with the kids or with Anissa at the hospital. 24/7.  You can also purchase gift cards for the family members who are traveling to stay with them and help out.  (The address where to send those are on the Caring Bridge page.  here.)  Another blogger has created T-Shirts where all the proceeds go to the family.  However, if you can’t afford to make a financial donation and really want to do something to help, blogger, Megan at Undomestic Diva, has decided to collect pictures of people with messages for Anissa.  I’m pretty sure the goal is to have the slideshow to her in time for Christmas.  So, do what you can, and if you can’t do much in the way of donations or sending a care package, by all means, send a picture.  Let Anissa know she’s in your thoughts!

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A FB status caught my eye and I thought it was a really cool FB status.  My friend said she spent the evening knitting, baking, and doing laundry.  She was amazed at her evening, but I was thinking, sounds more or less like mine, except I didn’t bake, or do laundry, or knit even.  But on most nights, after kids go to bed, I curl up on the couch with my crochet and watch TV.  Or, a more common scene, after all my TV watching is done, I click on my sewing machine and work on whatever.  A new purse, stuff for the shop that I’m trying to get done, whatever…

It didn’t bother me that she marveled at her evening.  We crafters have to start somewhere.  What bugged me a little were the comments (in jest) about “Knowing your Role as a Wife” and linking that ridiculous magazine article from 195?.  Perhaps it’s just me, I’ve been off my KIT pills for a few days and I’m super-irritable.  I know the jokes shouldn’t have bothered me.  Then I got to thinking… when did we define being a good wife with doing things like knitting and baking or laundry even?  Don’t we all need clean clothes?  And isn’t this the mentality of “domestic=weak?” (Like, we’re too fragile and dainty and stupid because we cook and clean and craft. (To which, I reply, NOT HARDLY!))  I mean, this is why a lot of women out there don’t talk about the fact that they do these things or enjoy doing these things because they’re shamed into feeling like they aren’t “modern” enough!  Then young kids don’t get taught how to do these things for the same reason and it slowly becomes a dying art.

I’m not saying that all women should want to do these things.  Just like I will never say, “All women should stay home and take care of their kids,” or “All men should hunt” (mine doesn’t) or whatever blanket statements of ideology you want to throw out there.  Won’t say it.  Can’t say it.  LOATHE blanket statements of ideology. 

Here’s what I am saying:  Can you just lay OFF!  If a woman wants to knit or have dinner ready for her husband when he gets home or maintains an immaculate home (God KNOWS I don’t!!!), can’t we just say “Good for you!”  Instead of spouting off your comments and jokes that all root from your own insecurities, just say “That’s amazing!”  or “That’s really sweet of you.”  or “Wish I had time to get all the laundry done.”

And for those of you who think needle crafts (Needle crafts are things like sewing, knitting, crochet, embroidery… i.e., crafts done with a needle) are not cool, look at what needle crafting can do for the world:

http://www.alwaysbeautifulyou.com/?gclid=CLK__tWhgp4CFSENDQodgA5ApQ

http://www.headhuggers.org/

http://www.bcrfcure.org/part_comm_gr_quiltforacure.html

http://www.allfreecrafts.com/charity-crafts.shtml

Don’t take for granted a gift you’ve been given because someone made you feel like less of a person for enjoying it.  Put it to use.

So that’s all!  *steppin’ down from mah soapbox and bow*

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Last night, watching TV (whoa!), more specifically, Private Practice, I was really impressed with the story line there.  For those of you who don’t watch the show, the psychiatrist/psychologist (not sure which) was pregnant last season.  The season finale was her getting her baby stolen via C-section, in her own home, by her psychotic patient.  Yeah.  They left it right there!  I was angry for about 2 weeks that they left it at such a cliffhanger.  Anyway, back to the point.  So this season, Violet (the psych), is struggling with some serious PTSD and PPD (Post-traumatic Stress Disorder and Post-partum depression for those of you not in the know).  As a doctor of the human mind, she is well-aware of her psychological status, and yet, cannot just “pull it together.”  The end of the episode, she gave the baby to one of the possible dads.  (Long, confusing plot line, I know, just run with it, OK?)

What impressed me the most was the depiction of someone dealing with these disorders.  The fact that she couldn’t just “snap out of it” was something that needed to be brought to light.  These are diseases.  Not just a “frame of mind.”  You cannot just “get over it.”  When something so traumatic happens in your life, not everyone can deal with the emotions of these traumas so easily. 

For me, 18 years after the start of my abuse, 14 years after it ended, I still get nightmares.  My husband can hardly stand quietly behind my back without me jumping out of my skin when I find him there.  If he waits outside the bathroom door for me to come out (only 1 bathroom in the Insane Asylum), it scares the shit out of me.  I know it’s not rational, he’s my husband and would never be there waiting to hurt me, but it’s really scary to me.

After I had S, I spent a great deal of time on the couch.  It wasn’t until Mr. B asked me to go dancing with him and I turned him down that he realized something was really, really wrong.  (Mr. B does NOT dance and I can’t get him to take me most of the time.)  He finally sat me down (which wasn’t hard to do since, like I said, I didn’t leave the couch) and said he thought I was depressed and needed to go see someone and maybe get some medication.  PPD is quite common among women, but to a sexual abuse victim who had just had a daughter, the PTSD kicks in a little harder.  That was about the time that I started having flashbacks.  Times with my poor, dear, Mr. B that I wish had never happened.  I was scared to be touched, sexually.  Every thing felt like I was being used.  He stuck by me.  Something that a lot of men would not have done. 

With A, it was a lot easier to notice the signs of the PPD and seek help before it got serious.  Actually, I was on anti-depressants for most of my pregnancy because the anxiety from the PTSD was so huge that there were days I could barely make it through without a major anxiety attack.

If you want my completely unsolicited advice (why else would you be here, right?), it would be that if you even think you’re struggling with either of these illnesses, or worse, both, seek some help.  Quickly.  You don’t have to be the crazy lady in the closet who spills her coffee and hides whenever the doorbell rings.  Or the woman who has to pass keys to the house through the mail slot to her closest friends.  Or, more seriously, who cannot bond with her baby.  (And while I may sound glib, I’m being very serious.  It’s not healthy.)  There is help.  Below are some resources.

http://support4hope.com/ptsd

http://ppdsupportpage.com

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I’ve been thinking a lot about how different faith looks on different people.  This is such a beautiful gift.  Based on the circumstances of our lives, there are different things that we are passionate about. 

For me, my experiences with sexual, psychological, and physical abuse has given me a passion for people who are in similar situations.  Along with a passion for positive self-image.  Not to mention a love for people with lifestyles other than my own.

God’s Word says:

³For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the measure of faith God has given you. ⁴Just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, ⁵so in Christ we who are many form one body, and each member belongs to all the others. ⁶We have different gifts, according to the grace given us. If a man’s gift is prophesying, let him use it in proportion to his faith. ⁷If it is serving, let him serve; if it is teaching, let him teach; ⁸if it is encouraging, let him encourage; if it is contributing to the needs of others, let him give generously; if it is leadership, let him govern diligently; if it is showing mercy, let him do it cheerfully.  Romans 12:3-8

We should be celebrating these differences in each other rather than discouraging people.  We should be loving each other.

⁹Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. ¹⁰Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves. ¹¹Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. ¹²Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. ¹³Share with God’s people who are in need. Practice hospitality. ¹⁴Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. ¹⁵Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. ¹⁶Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position.  Do not be conceited.  Romans 12:9-16

Who are we to offer the wrath and judgement that is only the Lord’s to give?  When will we understand that it is the Holy Spirit that works in our hearts to show us where we need to work?  God clearly says that we should not judge or we will be judged by the same measure.  (Matthew 7:1-2).  Recently, I’ve heard a lot about how we are to uphold eachother and admonish each other.  (I’m guessing Colossians 3:16)  Let’s remember what the word, “admonish” means:

Admonish:

1. To caution, advise, or counsel against something
2. To reprove or scold; especially in a mild and good-willed manner.
3. To urge to a duty; remind.

Courtesy of Dictionary.com

I’ve spent some time searching different translations on Bible Gateway and entering the word “rebuke.”  In nearly every instance, the Lord does the rebuking.  I’ve yet to find one instance in the New Testament, where Jesus came and abolished the law, where we are told to rebuke each other.  Be encouraged by this!  We are not the judge of anyone!  That is fantastic news!  This gives us the opportunity to love and relate and live amongst each other! 

Anyway, I’m starting to get sleepy, and it’s no surprise since it’s 2:00 in the morning!  Let’s just remember to love one another.  I mean, is it really so hard to put aside your idealogical, political, personal beliefs and just love one another?

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I unloaded all my woes on this and then deleted them.  Let me just say that I’m frustrated and upset that people spend so much time hating people who are just trying to live their life and don’t spend enough time getting to know people.  Quick-set decisions on a person’s life and their faith based on a few encounters does not an accurate assessment make.  Here’s what I challenge you to do.  Get to know people, not their lifestyle. 

Since reading Jesus Loves You, this I know by Craig Gross and Jason Harper, I keep coming back to this one quote:

Regardless of what you see, love him.  Regardless of what you expect, love.  Regardless of what you will tolerate, remember, tolerance is not compromise.  Tolerance gives us the platform and relational equity to be there.

Tolerance gives us the platform and relational equity to be there.  What does that mean?  To me, it means that by being in a person’s life and letting them live their life the way they choose to live their life, and showing them that Jesus loves them regardless of what is going on in their life, gives us the ability to be there to impact their life.  Isn’t that what it’s all about? Impacting their lives? 

I don’t tell my non believing friends that they need to change their life.  I don’t tell them that Jesus “loves the sinner, but hates the sin.”  Sin is a part of us.  To hate any part of us, would say that Jesus hates us, on some level.  Don’t get me wrong, Jesus doesn’t tolerate sin, but he doesn’t eradicate it with condemnation and judgement, but with love.

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Let me start out by saying that my husband was fully aware and completely supportive of my previous post.  I wrote it a while ago and we had the chance to discuss it, pray about it, and decide on it before I ever hit “publish.”  He doesn’t feel like I’ve aired his “dirty laundry.”  I can understand why some of you do and I respect that you feel that way; however, Mr. B is forgiven for his sins and he chose to allow me to bring them to light.  Darkness is no place for sin.  That is where it festers and grows.  We should bring all things to the light and let God be the judge.  

So many of us carry around our “dirty little secrets” and hopes no one discovers our true face.  This is part of the lie that makes Christians so unbearable to those who don’t subscribe to Christianity.  Non-believers know that we have sin and have secrets, but we pretend that we don’t.  We put on our mask that portrays the “Good Little Christian,” then go home and gossip, fulfill our lustful intentions, drink yourself to oblivion, or whatever your particular brand of sin is.  For me, it’s anger and gluttony (like you couldn’t tell!).  We are all entrenched in sin.  The only difference is, I know Jesus’ love.  That’s it.  That’s the difference between me and the non-Christian.  Two people who need God’s love more than anything else.  One person knows it.  The other doesn’t.

I can summarize this book, in the author, Craig Gross’ own words, in one paragraph.

Jesus loves…now, fill in the blank.  Think of crooks and soccer moms, prostitutes and pastors, porn stars and CEOs.  Jesus loves every one of them.  To Jesus, we’re all just people who need God to save us from the mess we are in and lead us to a better way.

One of the reasons that they wrote this was because the message of Jesus has been “hijacked.”  It has been distorted.  So many people have used Christianity for their own endgame.  The Crusades, where people were killed for not believing in Jesus.  Constantine, who used Christianity to control commerce.  People still, today, use their Christianity to justify their political agendas. 

Jesus, it came to be understood, was not about giving, only getting.

Craig and Jason really seek to “re-brand” Jesus.  Not to match their view of Him, but to resketch Him to what He originally was.  You know the only quote I used about relationships in my last post?  Yeah, let me throw it into context for you.

For a long time Christians have been taught a three-step approach to God.  It starts with belief.  Essentially, if you believe the right things, it will lead to a change in behavior.  When you have changed your behavior, you will be accepted by the church.  Believe, Behave, Belong.

If you believe this way, you will behave this way, and if you behave this way, you can belong here.  This is preached, modeled, and affirmed in thousands of churches across America.

It’s time to flip this.  The Jesus of scripture reached out and loved people regardless of where they were…. 

I don’t believe that you can just “love people to God.”  And I don’t believe that is what the authors are saying.  That thought is patronizing to the people you are trying to reach.  You’re also just patting yourself (unduly) on the back thinking there is anything YOU can do to make someone believe anything.  That is God’s work.  Not ours.  Our work is to simply love God, love people, share the good news.  I’m personally glad that there’s nothing I can do to make people believe in Jesus.  I still sin.  I still get very angry.  I say stupid things.  I am not perfect.

Another thing I’d like to put into context for you is the term “pre-Christian.”  Perhaps I misused it.  Perhaps what I meant didn’t come across very well.  I have no problem calling people what they are.  I have a BIG problem with derogatory stigmas attached to them.  Just like those who know me well would say I have a big problem with “blanket statements.”  When it comes to people A+B cannot always = C.  That’s the beauty of how God created us.  The term refers to the lost.  Those who have not been saved by grace.  I’ll let Craig say it for himself:

….In life, Ron Jeremy cannot be my opponent.  He must be my friend.  Friends share friends and invite each other into their world.  We’re more alike than we are different.  We both have struggles, we both have challenges.  We both are in need of a Savior who loves.

How are you and I different?  If you are a person who has yet to understand that Jesus loves you, I would call you a pre-Christian.  How do you percieive Christians?

He’s not, and I am not, using the term to insult anyone or to not call a person what they are:  gay, thief, pornographer, businessman, mom, dad, teenager, or anyone not yet saved by grace.  If it comes off as insulting, there is frankly nothing I can do about that.  I didn’t coin the phrase.  I decided to “adopt” the phrase for the very reason that he did.  It accurately describes someone who has not yet come to know Christ’s love.  If you prefer the term “non-believer” or “non-Christian,” then, by all means, use that term.  The term is not meant for any one person, or lifestyle, in particular.  It refers to all who have yet to know Christ.  I apologize if that was not how I made it sound. 

I don’t want to be the face of Christianity that is judgmental and hurtful to anyone (followers of Christ or not).  I really love people and only seek to create real, honest, open relationships with people.  Jason echoes this feeling in the chapter, “Jesus Loves the Outcast.”  Which, ironically, is the chapter where he talks about his friend Joe, who is gay.  This happens right after Joe tells Jason about a horrible court case that exemplified the “church’s” hatred of homosexuality.

I apologized to Joe.  Over a cup of coffee, he had come face-to-face with a representative of the mythical right-winged monster that had been, proverbially speaking, chasing him for years.  He did expect me to be the face of the monster called “an evangelical.”  I only wnated to show him God’s love through an authentic friendship.  The church he thought hated him loved him.  It welcomed him in to discover more of God.  God loves and accepts people where they are, not where we think they should be.

God loves and accepts people where they are, not where we think they should be.  Powerful words.  Truer words have probably not been spoken.  (Well, they probably have, but you know what I mean!)  It’s something I struggle with and something that’s been imposed on me.

My goal in this post is to clarify some things that were misunderstood in my previous post, and for you, my lovely readers, to get a better feeling for the material in this book.  It really was a great read and I encourage you to grab your own copy.  Determine for yourselves what you think the author’s message is.

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Jesus Loves You, this I know

My family has been gripped and torn and chewed up by pornography and infidelity.  It is what it is.  I made a choice when I came back to the Lord that I would choose to love my husband despite anything that happens.  My husband is an amazing man.  He loves me so much.  He takes such good care of this family.  However, he does have a problem.  I hold him accountable for his actions, the same way that Jesus would, but I don’t judge him for it.  Sure, there are times when the temptation of sin wins over his desire to be faithful and pure before me and the Lord.  Those times send me into a place of horrible sadness and distress and anger.  Sometimes, during those times I want to leave.  But I don’t.  I know that I made a promise to my husband, a covenant to the Lord, that I would love and honor and respect my husband “For better, for worse, until death.”  Knowing that there’s a ministry that will support him and love him without judgement in his transgressions, and love and support me as I try to support him, is why this ministry is so important. 

I don’t blame my husband for his addiction, though I hold him accountable for his actions.  I don’t blame the porn industry for being there, though I wish it weren’t.  I blame the Weaver of Lies.  I blame Satan.  I blame Satan for tempting him.  I blame Satan for luring actors, directors, and producers with cash for sin.

Loving people entrenched in sin.  That’s what Craig Gross’ ministries are about.  For me, it is easy to love the lost.  Most of my friends are not Christians.  Most of the people I chat with on Twitter are not followers of Jesus.  I’m glad.  En masse, I don’t like Christians.  Let me esplain, Christians, en masse, act like a bunch of Pharisees.  They hide behind their righteousness while condemning the world to Hell. 

When the book was announced, I was excited to read it.  I knew that Craig Gross and Jason Harper would be telling us to LOVE sinners.  To reach out to the lost, the forgotten, the criminals, the homosexuals and people of other sexual orientations.  I hate that phrase: “the homosexuals.” The way it sounds just screams “OUTCAST!”  All those phrases, really.  I like the term Craig uses, “pre-Christian.”

The book came in the mail (I didn’t even know in advance that I was selected) and the mailman must have thought I was certifiable.  I opened up the packaging and shouted “Woo hoo!” and did a little jig around my living room when I realized I was going to be reading and reviewing this book.  No, I didn’t tape it.

I read, and I read, and I read.  Craig and Jason’s stories about the people they encountered and what LOVE looked like inspired me more and more.  Love didn’t look like just telling them, “Jesus loves you.”  Love didn’t look like quoting Scripture at them.  Love certainly didn’t look like standing on a street corner with a picket sign.  Love certainly also never looked like being at political rallies screaming for “the right thing.”  Love looked like listening.  It looked like feeding a hungry, drunk, depressed man.  Love looked like hanging out with your friend, who happens to be gay, and enjoying a meal and talking (about anything that gets the conversation going).  Love looked like befriending a grief-stricken stranger.  Love looked like making friends with a bunch of drunken teens and carting them around while they were too hammered to walk and then cleaning up their sick.  I wondered if that was what LOVE looked like on me.  I thought that it could. 

I got to the end of the book….

Hypocrite.  This is what I was thinking when I finished the last paragraph of Jesus Loves You, this I know.  Not about Craig and Jason, but about myself. 

In the very recent past, I have spent a whole lot of time on my soapbox.  I’ve been angry with the Christian Church (universally) about its treatment of not only the lost, but the found.  Judgement has swirled through my thoughts, my comments, my heart.  (And for those that I have expressed this same judgement to, I deeply apologize and ask your forgiveness.)  The book really convicted me, quite eloquently, about the truth that Jesus loves everybody.  Even the judgemental.  Even the religious.  Even me.  Even you.

As I was reading this, I kept mentally writing this review.  What I’ve actually written looks nothing like what it did in my mind.  In my mind, I imagined myself quoting all the nuggets of wisdom that were profound to me.  I imagined telling you readers about the value of relating to people in all walks of life.  Instead, what comes out is a humbling testimony of my failure to love others.  What comes out is a candid, personal view into the most private of private struggles in my marriage.  Instead, what is coming out is my total understanding that Jesus loves Me:  as I am and where I am.  

The only quote I’m going to share from the book is something that Craig says in the first chapter, which is available at the website http://jesuslovesyou.net.  It’s just a good cornerstone to relationships.  Whether you are a Christian who is relating with other Christians, a non-Christian relating to non-Christians, or any combination of those, this is an exceedingly critical consuetude to practice in your relationships. 

“It is essential to show people that they can belong in your world even if they don’t act, think, behave, or believe like you.” –Craig Gross

I really recommend getting a hold of this book.  You can click here to purchase it from Amazon directly!  Or go to the sidebar over there and click on the picture!  Craig and Jason are very relatable.  This book addresses people from every walk of life:  from the liars to the porn stars; from the forgotten to the center or attention.  Whether you are a pre-Christian, mid-Christian, post-Christian, there is something in this book for you.  The message isn’t “Be a Christian or you’re going to Hell.”  The message is:  Jesus Loves You, this I know.

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I was born into an interesting family. My mom is Cuban and my dad is American. They met in the Army, got married, had me, and got divorced. Pretty much, just like that. I was two. I never knew life with two parents as a kid. I was born in a military hospital just outside of D.C. in Alexandria, Virginia. When I was 5, my mom moved to Miami and that’s where I grew up.

I think my dad’s marriage to my stepmom (who is now one of my best friends), really affected her and hurt her. She started drinking a lot. She dated around a lot. The details of life with my mom will be on Violence Unsilenced sometime in the near future.

My mom remarried and the man seemed nice enough when I was younger, but once I hit adolesence and started, er, developing, apparently I became much more than a stepdaughter to him. Eventually he began to molest me. My mom didn’t believe me. It stopped for a while and I thought, “whew, he got caught, even if mom doesn’t believe him, he should know better by now that I will tell.” And that was true for a while. It started back up soon enough and I told, but once again, she was blinded by alcohol and “love.” She divorced him when he cheated. My mom was AWESOME.

Some years later, when I was 14 or 15, she reconnected with her “long lost love” and decided to move up to where he lived the summer I turned 15. I chose to move to Atlanta to live with my dad. (I know, what a shock!) Well to my mom, it was a shock. She couldn’t believe that I didn’t want to live with her anymore. I could. Why would I move in with some guy I met once, when I was 6? I mean, SERIOUSLY! I’d been burned before. Not to mention, my mom was drinking more than ever then, and I had just had enough. I wanted a life that was free from adult responsibilities and that had two parents.

I didn’t appreciate my stepmom then, but really, she was my one constant in my life. Despite the amount we argued, I really loved knowing she was always there. I knew she loved me, but like most teenagers, my head was shoved too far up my ass to really appreciate it.

I was obligated to go to church when I lived with them, and at first, I really rejected the whole concept. I had this idea that, “If God really loved me, why didn’t He protect me.” I eventually learned that God really did love me, and I embraced God for a few years. The love I had for God during that time was so pure and unencumbered. I yearn for that again.

My mother was diagnosed with brain cancer when I was 17. She almost died. To be honest, I think the cancer saved her life. It wasn’t until the cancer that she stopped drinking and stopped smoking. She survived it, but not before spending 6 weeks in a coma after having a stroke. She managed to stay in remission for 10 years and relapsed. She is in remission again, though it’s left her with other medical problems.

When I was 19, I went through some trials. I was homeless for a short time (mostly because I was proud and my head was still shoved up my ass). But I felt that everyone, especially the church, had abandoned me. I still loved God, but I felt betrayed. I started partying, doing drugs, drinking…

One night, while hanging out and spending the night at a friend’s house, his friend was over. We were hitting it off. Once my friend and his wife went to bed, we started kissing. It was obvious that he wanted it to go further and I was a virgin. I told him “no” but he did it anyway. I was so messed up by then by the abuse and the fact that I’d never dealt with it, that I thought, “If he did this after I told him no, then he must really like me.” Trust me, women who believe they are only worth someone else’s sexual pleasure, as I did, that was a totally logical thought.

That one event totally sent me into a whirlwind of sex, drugs, parties, and drinking. I partied whenever I could. I had sex with whoever I could.

Just as I stopped the partying, I met Mr. B online. We began chatting, then talking on the phone, then he moved to Atlanta to be with me. We got married a year later. The first year of marriage was difficult, and soon I began missing God and church. I began going to church again. Mr. B did not understand. I became persecuted in my own home. He teased me for believing in something that didn’t exist. He called me naive and, basically, stupid.

We were robbed twice in our apartment in Atlanta and he wanted to move back to Iowa. He gave me the option of going with him or staying and getting a divorce. He knew we weren’t getting along very well with the whole “church thing” and he thought I wanted out. I thought about it, but in the end, decided that it was my responsibility to stay with him. I said “for better or for worse” and I said, “Let’s go, then.”

Eventually we started getting along. We were trying to have a baby. He’d started going to church with me. About two months after I was preggo with S, he finally came to Christ as well. Our marriage completely changed.

We’ve had some very difficult times. Mistakes made on both sides of the marriage. But overall, we’ve grown closer to eachother and closer to God.

I’ve hidden this for a long time. I’ve been at a church for a little over two years and I’ve only recently started sharing this. For some people who knew me in adolesence, this is “old news.” But I know a lot of you are going to read this and be like, “whoa, really?” All I got to say is, “yeah, really!”

The weird thing, I don’t think it was that bad, or that traumatizing. I’ve only recently discovered that I have PTSD, which explains my anxiety attacks, my nightmares and my survivor’s guilt. I read the stories of other women and men who’ve gone through these things, and I feel guilty for even thinking my story compares. I’ve learned that this is a common feeling for most survivors. I think the miracle that comes out of these traumas and tragedies is that we are given a heart that is more concerned with other people’s pain than with our own. Don’t get me wrong, there are days, especially after I’ve had a particularly realistic nightmare, or if something’s triggered a flashback, where I just shut down for a whole day; but I often recover quickly and go about my life as usual.

I didn’t write this for sympathy. Honestly, I hate sympathy. I can’t change my past and no matter how much I wish it away, there are outcomes of that life that I wouldn’t change, ever. I wrote this out because, honestly, I can’t keep it in anymore. I think part of healing is letting go of the pain and this is part of my giving it to God. He, who is ultimately more qualified to handle the pain than I am.

I also wrote this for a very important reason that extends far beyond just my own healing. It’s because I’ve realized that there are far too many stories out there. And so many women who have stories that do NOT have Christ to bear the burden for her. I just want to show them that God will bear their burden. God is about relationships. There can’t be relationships unless you relate to one another.

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